So here I am, day three and I'm already being left to die. In a word, I am miserable. What those of you sitting there at your computer screens, reading don't realize is how lucky you are to have your friends. What you don't understand is what it's like to watch everyone else just walk by with somebody and sit at their own table, laughing over something so trivial as a TV show, when you're left to fend for yourself WHEN NO ONE YOUR AGE F***ING GIVES A DAMN WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE! It's hell, that's what it feels like, and I've lived with it for NINE FREAKING YEARS!!! Every single person here doesn't want me around because of how I screwed up last year, and now I have to pay for it. Nine years can harden a person, all right, but nothing can ever harden you enough for this. I am near crying right now, and the only thing between me and an intentional jump into the sheer drop out of the land of the living is the three people I am forever endebted to. I can't let go now because I owe Benicio, Aleja, and Nina more than just my friendship, I owe them my life. And right now, they're all I have left.
How could things have gone so wrong?! I started this year with a will to win, and now my old enemy has risen from the ashes and locked me in a rematch. How could this ever happen to me, after I've wanted this so badly for so long? Why did I have to be the loser left over, just that idiot nobody likes last year and end up doing the time for it now?
Wait, stop, no more. This is not the way a hero would talk, and it's not ovine me anywhere but back. If I want to move forward, I've got to think: What would M******* P***** and B*** do (again, i'm not giving you my name)? What would the hero in me do? What would Benicio want? None of these people would want me to sit down and let it take over. No, they would all tell me the same thing, with a desperately burning fire in their eyes "You fight that hell right back into the hole from which it came, damn it, and you win."
So that is what I, what all of us on the outside just struggling to get by have to do: Fight, win, and change the world, starting with you.
So this is me, hanging by a thread, but destined to fight on, signing off. |
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