Well, tonight's the last night before it all begins, and I'm terrified. I know, I know, I was all overconfident-know-it-all-slightly-b****y, but well, folks, here I am suddenly hit with it all. Here it is, just me, about to begin my life for real. This is where the adventure I've been waiting for since forever is staring me straight in the face, just willing me to reach out and taste it. There's a part of me that wants it now more than ever before, heart ablaze and eyes like fireworks, a piece that refuses silence like a two year-old refuses naps after a lolipop. Deity, how I want it to just begin. But as much of me that wants it, there's another part that can never ever accept this, a part that's too stuck in it's ways to let me be, too paralyzed with fury and hate and fear to move. There they go again, tossing around inside of me like clothes in one of those washing machines with a window in the front, and it's killing me to take sides. I mean, this is the year, where I'm going to finally show everybody my life, who I am. I'm finally getting out of the basement. I mean, I should be excited, right? But, I don't know, the more and higher I dream, the farther I fall into fear. I realize that i've made some stupid choices out of desperation to pass through the gates and failed miserably in front of everybody, but I still get mixed reviews. That was normal, shy, naieve me. I'm scared as hell to show them all what they've missed, a bold, vibrant, cool girl, smart and funny and attractive, honest and true and loyal right down to the bitter end, a friend like no other, with a heart of gold, a little tougher than anyone's ever seen her be, and wise. Is it too much to ask of myself, to change so much in one summer, ever so much more in just one night? Can it really be real, what I so desperately need? NO. NO MORE. Just listen to me, hating and putting myself down, it's so sad now that I read it over. I set this goal at the last school dance, when more than anything I knew, what I needed was change. And in the words of myself in a moment of terror, from camp this summer, over 30 feet off the ground, looking down at what I never thought I could do, asked of I wanted to go on, "Well, I don't seem to have much choice in the matter, do I?" this is it, I have to go through with this, if not for me, then for the outsiders, for Benicio and the few people I can call friends, and for the honor of So This Is Me..., I have to finish what I've started.
Listening to the radio puts things in perspective, doesn't it? I mean, I'm really not listening to much to the whole stupid maddona (again, not given caps for a reason) era, but really I'm listening just to have an excuse to think about Benicio. Every time I hear a good love song, I can't help but think about him. I still haven't gotten around to emailing him yet, probably because he's going to school and I'm not yet, and I kinda want to do it at a reasonable hour so he doesn't think I'm a psycho-stalker who never sleeps or something. But in particular, I'm listening for those songs that are... ours. In particular, A Kiss Goodnight (Lady Antebellum) because his mom sang it all the time last year, and Hey Soul Sister (Train). It used to be me and Nina's song, but after a while, I just started to think about the whole team when I heard it. I realize now that everything that's changed me this summer, everything that's pushed me this year, I did it for him. Just thought "Benicio, I am going to do this for you." and I did it. I trust him with my life, and I guess I thought I needed something worth changing for. Yes, he's worth it, and look how much I've done that I would never have done without him. So, thank you, Benicio, you have no idea what I owe you after this next save.
So this is me, the new me, ready to rise from the ashes. |
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