Okay, I'm really sorry I haven't written since forever, but things have been a little crazy around here. To abridge my summary of our time apart, in one night at a school dance I befriended I think almost every girl in the 7th grade and lost it to the greatest enemy: myself. Somehow, I managed to screw up so badly just by being myself that I always show at school that they think I'm some kind of psycho. So brilliant, that tanked. On another hand, a couple of weeks later on a whim (and a homework pass) I volunteered on parent's night to find that suddenly there was a few people who... Pen of Riverbend, I'm tearing up as I type this... Told me that I was amazingly smart and normal and that they liked me. I don't know how or... Or why, but it feels like something you can't just put down in words. They were the first people I ever went to school with besides one girl that had ever said something like that to me ever. The gratitiude I have for them is more than I could ever express in a million reems and a thousand Dixon Ticonderogas. Yes, I'm crying, crying because this is what I've waited for my entire life, an invitation to be one of them. It's like that song from The Hunchback of Notre Dame:
Safe behind these windows and these parapets of stone
Gazing at the people down below me
All my life I watch them as I hide up here alone
Hungry for the histories they show me
All my life I memorize their faces
Knowing them as they will never know me
All my life I wonder how it feels to pass a day
Not above them
But part of them
And out there
Living in the sun
Give me one day out there
All I ask is one
To hold forever
Out there
Where they all live unaware
What I'd give
What I'd dare
Just to live one day out there
Out there among the millers and the weavers and their wives
Through the roofs and gables I can see them
Ev'ry day they shout and scold and go about their lives
Heedless of the gift it is to be them
If I was in their skin
I'd treasure ev'ry instant
Out there
Strolling by the Seine
Taste a morning out there
Like ordinary men
Who freely walk about there
Just one day and then
I swear I'll be content
With my share
Won't resent
Won't despair
Old and bent
I won't care
I'll have spent
One day
Out there
- Out There, <
Out There Lyrics
by The Hunchback Of Notre Dame
from Classic Disney Soundtrack
Send “Out There” Ringtone to Your Cell
Safe behind these windows and these parapets of stone
Gazing at the people down below me
All my life I watch them as I hide up here alone
Hungry for the histories they show me
All my life I memorize their faces
Knowing them as they will never know me
All my life I wonder how it feels to pass a day
Not above them
But part of them
And out there
Living in the sun
Give me one day out there
All I ask is one
To hold forever
Out there
Where they all live unaware
What I'd give
What I'd dare
Just to live one day out there
Out there among the millers and the weavers and their wives
Through the roofs and gables I can see them
Ev'ry day they shout and scold and go about their lives
Heedless of the gift it is to be them
If I was in their skin
I'd treasure ev'ry instant
Out there
Strolling by the Seine
Taste a morning out there
Like ordinary men
Who freely walk about there
Just one day and then
I swear I'll be content
With my share
Won't resent
Won't despair
Old and bent
I won't care
I'll have spent
One day
Out there
-"Out There", Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Just lately I was in gym and the task was to walk the steel cables between the trees without touching the ground and we could only use this stick and a rope tied on on overhead cable. Sound unreasonable and slightly frightening to you? I don't blame you. So naturally, I expressed an unusual amount of fear up there on those cables. But what one of the people on there with me, I don't quite remember who, but what they said changed me forever: "Wow, ***, this is the most emotion you've ever shown us." (Stars mask my name, not a swear). I think I know who it was, but it just... can't be. Okay, so there's this boy named (again, giving him a nom de plume for his own protection) Sarito who came to parent's night. Our school gives a geek workout to geeks, but me and Sarito are amongst the geekiest. But that's such a compliment because he's such a genius and funny and (sigh) yes, immature readers, cute, and he's got the best laugh and he can just... Talk to me on my level, in my world, you know? I thought he was cool before, but to be honest, after we were the timekeepers together downstairs, just us, it was amazing, how we got along. The way he talked to me was a way no one had ever tried to. A side of me that had never seen the light came out when I talked to him. He's just such good guy, and it would mean the world to me if he'd be my friend. I think that he said that because, well, he's so honest. I'm not sure if he knows it, but he's awesome. And yes, for those of you eyeing these words with suspicion, I do kind of like him. If he ever asked me to dance, I would say yes.
Meanwhile, lately my head's been getting carried off into a dream I never knew I had more than ever before. Look, I can't tell you the conventional way, so here it goes: Have you ever felt like this just... isn't where you belong? My entire life, it's sorta been like this:
I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
Where a great warm welcome
Will be waiting for me
The crowds will cheer when they see my face
And a voice keeps sayin'
This is where I'm meant to be
I will find my way
I can go the distance
I'll be there someday
If I can be strong
I know every mile
Will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere
To feel like I belong
I am on my way
I can go the distance
I dont care how far
Somehow I'll be strong
I know every mile
Will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere
To find where I belong
- "I Can Go The Distance" Disney's Hercules
I've never truly just felt like I belong here. It's like I'm living the wrong life, like my soul was just... Made for someone else. More than anything, I just feel like I'm meant to be something more than just that girl. I don't want to be ordinary, that's just not in my programming as we can all see. Truth is, I. Used to dream of being a princess, but now, I want to be the hero. I want to fight for the world, I want to help people, bring change and peace to every human being on the planet we call home. There's so may odds in my way, so many chances to slip. The world lost so much of its time for nerves, but no matter what, the obstacles I face are just more mountains to climb. I am destined for great things, I can feel it, things the ordinariness in everybody just throws away. My dream is to change the world, to save lives. I won't give up no matter what. I do solemnly swear that I will make it, for my entire future will be wasted if I fail.
I can't help but dream, it's what I do. Right now however, things ain't so damn great. Right now I still rely on invitations to sit with real people at lunch, I can't talk to normal people, and quite frankly it feels like the people I owe my life to are more distant than ever. My best friend left the one connection we had left, her email's broken, so I'll probably never see her again. And worst of all, I am exactly one year away from becoming Bancroft Upper School's personal locker hobbit. I tell you, my mother thinks I'll be okay and stuff, just lie everyone else, but they JUST DON'T GET IT. In middle school, normality is a valued trait, but in high school, if you're not normal, you're going to spend your free period picking your shredded algebra homework out of your hair. And on Monday, we have to spend LUNCH with these people. Honestly, I die inside enough with my own grade. Being with older kids who talk down to you makes it exponentially worse. I am not ever going to have anyone to talk to but my teachers and the team, which sucks. But hell, if I can't make it through this, my dream will never reach reality. Seriously, though, a sudden "stomach ache" might arise on Monday...
Anyway, one more heartbreak is the lovely Señorito Benicio. I kinda-sorta asked him to come to my school play and I would go see his, like a day ago and.. I sound stalkerish. I just... I love him and not having him there would break my heart. I truly would do anything for him, and I would go to his no matter what. I owe him my life from the suicides I thought of and well... I'm really questioing how much longer I can wait for him. It would kill me if we ever drifted apart. Really now, I need advice. I just really have this urge to... Well every year he goes into the city for First Night, and it's sad because he invites everyone on the team each year but no one can ever go. I really just want to go, stay to midnight together and at midnight, kiss him. Bad idea? Some one please respond, I need to know someone is listening. Really, just say something, it would make my day, much more than waiting for him to respond.
I'll admit it, too: I really do think that Sarito would make an excellent boyfriend.
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